I'm Not The Same Man I Once Was

My license photos from 2009 (top left), 2013 (bottom left)
and 2017 (right)  The newest one looks like a very different person.

     It's been about a month since I last wrote anything.  March is upon us and we're roughly in the middle of our training.  It's been a busy month between work and training and every day life, but I wanted to put something together while it's fresh on my mind.

     I ran 18 miles as part of my training this past weekend.  The weather wasn't the best at the start of my run, but it did start to clear up, and the rest of the run went very well.  My girlfriend and I were able to run some of those miles together and it capped off a great workout for both of us.  We met in the middle of my schedule, and when she was done, I finished off what I needed to do.   I felt good.  She felt good.  Not a bad day at all.

     A few weeks back, I had 14 miles on my schedule, and I didn't feel quite that same way.  Things did not go as well as I had hoped or planned.  I ran in town along some of the marathon course and other sections of the city.   It was just me, my music, and the cold temps.  About 10 miles in I felt like I was out of gas and couldn't go on.  But, I knew I had to do so.  I'm too stubborn to just quit, no matter how bad I'm feeling.  I did get a text from Kim shortly there after and I replied to let her know what I was up to and how I felt.  I was just about exhausted.  Kim said not to worry because I "got this."  That little push from her always seems to flip a switch in my head and always seems to give me that extra boost I need to finish.  Even this past weekend her encouraging words kept me going.  I only had about a mile or two left and I heard the text notification on my phone.  I had it feeling it was Kim to give me that nudge, and finished strong. (It was, by the way.)

My 20 year high school reunion back in 2011.
Not setting fashion statements in this one.

     When I run, I do a lot of thinking, a lot of inner reflection (especially on the longer runs.)  Last year when I was at this point, I wasn't sure I could do it.  Before every long run, I was terrified of what I was setting out to do.   That is where a support system comes into play.  I was able to complete every mile and reach every goal.  However, even this year, I still struggle because for me, it doesn't seem to get easier.  Should it?  You'd think so, but should it get easier?  I ask myself that question a lot.  In my head I'm also asking "why are you doing this?  What makes you think you can do this?  Who are you?  You can't handle this." And, that's just it.  I can. I have.  That's because I'm not the man I once was.

     About a month ago, I pulled out an old hard drive that I used to use for DJing.   There are pictures stored on there from as far back as 2007 and older.  I've saved almost every pictures from over 10 years ago.   I started looking through some of them and I kept thinking to myself, "who is this guy?  This isn't me."  I'll be honest; I looked at every single one.  It sort of bummed me out.  Each one I clicked through I started to feel a little ashamed of my self.   I can't explain why.  I'm not really sure if there is an explanation.  It made me wonder what I've been doing for the past 10 years, the past 20.

Cleveland about 3 or so years ago,
still heavier than I wanted to be.

     I've always been the type of person that just wanted to entertain.  I wanted to be able to make everyone laugh and smile.  I never really took the time to do those things for myself, though.  I had so much running through my mind as I continued clicking.  They say a picture is worth a thousand words but I was finding it difficult to even come up with 10.  Sure there were a lot of great memories from family functions, concerts, and weddings, but there were also a lot of memories that I no longer wanted.  I may had been smiling, my smile didn't seem genuine, as least not now.  Was I truly happy back then?  Deep down I realize now that I wasn't, and I can admit that.  So with one last look I did something I didn't think I would ever do: I started to delete these pictures, these memories.  This was not how I wanted to remember myself.  I did the same on Facebook, even removing tags in a lot of shared photos.

     Flash forward again to 2013, when I ran my first half marathon.  I felt pretty good about it, and felt proud.  I smiled in way I never had before.  I never thought I would do something like that again (let alone run a full marathon) but as most runners can tell you once you cross the finish line you get an itch.  You get this little twinge on the back of your neck that screams for more.   But, I still didn't seem too focused, a least not just yet.

Stella's Christening in 2013, around 210

     As started out  and began running, not much had really changed.  I never adjusted some of my habits so I wasn't really making any progress.  In my mind I knew what I wanted, but I still sort of blew things off.  It took almost another full year to realize this when I was back up in weight.  I still wasn't the me I knew I could be.

    Now, they say that girls mature faster than boys, and that could very much well be the truth.  Why did it take so long for me to finally have things click?   I'll may never be able to answer that, but what I can tell you is that running helped save me from a lot of things,  Most of all it saved me from me.  I stopped doubting myself.  I stopped saying I can't and began saying I can.  I started to believe in me.  With that simple though everything began falling into place.  My priorities changed and so did my habits.  I dropped a lot of weight.  I became more focused.  I became more driven.

     Running has helped me gain a sort of clarity, a clarity that's eluded me for a long time.  It's helped me to see what's truly important and what really matters most.  I've been able to take a few steps forward in my career after always taking a few steps back (when I was always afraid to even move at all!)  It's helped me be a better a better friend, a better brother, and a better son.

2011 vs. 2016

     It may have taken a very long time to realize a lot of things but again I say I'm not the same man I once was, but I do like what I am now.  And,  what I am...is happy.


Until next time....keep on running Pittsburgh.

Sinceriously yours,


Chuck Hull......the Running Jedi.


#runpgh #lovetherun #teamlemieux #teampaws #pghmarathon



PS: Don't forget to donate to a worthy cause!!!!


The Mario Lemieux Foundation:

https://www.crowdrise.com/MarioLemieuxPitt2017/fundraiser/chuckhull

Paws Over Pittsburgh for Kimberly Jurica:

https://www.crowdrise.com/AnimalRescueLeaguePitt2017/fundraiser/kimberlyjurica


Let's help do some good in the world...and let's help others....be happy.